In the video I’m reading out an article I had found very revealing about motherhood problems. It deals with the experiences of mothers who regretted having children. You can read it here.
In this post I will mention some of my feedback about the article and I will also address some of the comments I received as a result of my last post on why I don’t want to have children.
Firstly, the comments. Two of my Indian readers wrote very similar comments which therefore could be cultural. They basically wrote that I’m supposed to be grateful that my mother had me, implying that out of this gratitude I should have my own children.
This is a very strange reasoning. My mother wanted to have me. But I don’t want to have children. If it wouldn’t be me, someone else would be born to her.
And if I signed up for this earth school, then if it wouldn’t be my current mother, it would be another mother giving birth to me.
So just because my mother had me, doesn’t mean that I should feel guilty about not having my own children. This is totally unrelated.
Another comment that I got was about a fear-based reasoning that most parents have children so that someone would take care of them in old age, asking me if I’m not afraid of nobody taking care of me in old age.
That is again a reasoning very foreign to me. Firstly, it’s fear-based. If parents have children out of this fear-based intention, it’s not going to produce good results. And why would suddenly people stop trusting the Universe which provided for them all this time when they start getting old?
Why would anyone suddenly start relying on this material world just because they’re getting old? How come this trust in God evaporates with years? Then it wasn’t real trust in the first place.
And even if you have children because of the fear of nobody taking care of you, you are not God to decide how your children will turn out to be. Maybe they will refuse to take care of you, maybe you will have a terrible relationship with them, or maybe they will be sickly so you will end up taking care of them. We cannot know it, so having children so that they would take care of us in old age is a lottery, the way I see it.
And why would anyone want to become a burden to their own children? For example, my mother would never want to burden us (me and my brother) in such a way.
Parents who don’t want to burden their children, don’t – they take care of their health; if they’re single, they find partners to age with, they save for old age. So I think it’s very selfish to have children so that you become their burden in old age, restricting freedom.
How cruel it is if parents don’t find anything wrong with the life of their children being restricted by them, having to stay in one place and look after the parent. If this happens by accident, of course it’s understandable and I would also look after my mother if something would happen – no doubt about it. But planning to become a burden to one’s own children is not love but selfishness and cruelty.
Then I also got comments in response to my earlier talks and articles mentioning that I’m dating an Indian guy, along the lines of “The white race is dying out and you’re dating an Indian guy”.
Firstly, I’m not attached to my race and I’m not that much attached to humanity in general. I know I’m a soul and not this body. Souls incarnate in groups – racial, national, family. So if a white race is dying out, it means we as a soul group have learnt most of the lessons of this earth school, so not many souls return to it.
That’s a good thing. It means we now can move on to experience other realms of existence. So even if I would want to have children, I would not date someone I’m not attracted to just to save my race.
In the article it was mentioned that till only recently motherhood was portrayed as a blissful and sacred occupation, and women experiencing depression after childbirth were viewed as neurotic.
Only now it’s acknowledged that pregnancy can bring depression and that it’s a common occurrence:
In the past this was a big taboo. So this makes me think that in a way we still live in Middle Ages; there are things about parenthood not talked about, and this gives only a partial view for future parents of what it’s like to have children.
There would be fewer pregnancies and less depression if mothers, at least anonymously, would tell their true story. But the truth is, some mothers aren’t even willing to acknowledge to their own selves that they’re not happy after having children.
For example, I know a woman who was full of happiness before becoming a mother. Now she’s depressed, but she doesn’t dare to ascribe it to her changed circumstances. And that’s the case with many mothers. They secretly grieve the end of their pre-pregnancy life but to the outside world they would never tell the real reasons of their unhappiness.
Also, when some women, like it’s told in the article, come out to say that they’re not happy and they regret becoming mothers, they receive threats and abuse of other parents; as though you are not allowed to tell how you really feel when you are a mother.
I understand that this is done to protect their children, but at least mothers could share their woes anonymously to the world so that women considering becoming mothers could make more informed choices.
It’s like when some new foundation comes out and some women try it and it looks great on them and they talk about it. Yet some women try it and it leaves their skin in a terrible condition yet they don’t speak about it, and thus are in a way responsible for the terrible condition of the skin of other women who looked for the information about the new foundation but received only one side of it.
And I believe that if women would be more self-aware, they would not be so influenced by the society and therefore would not have children if it’s not something they truly want. However, because many women are not self-aware, they listen to what others advise them rather than tuning in to their own inner voice. And then, after pregnancy, they regret.
So ideally, mothers who would regret having children would not have them in the first place, therefore not needing to come out to say that they would rather not have their children. But because this self-awareness is lacking, much regret follows.
Facebook communities like this one allow people to anonymously post their parenthood woes and reading these anonymous posts starts painting a more realistic picture in one’s mind about what it’s really like to have children.
A person having much to say could create an anonymous blog to share with the world what parenthood is really like, therefore helping in a great way those who are misinformed, and maybe even creating another source of income or an outlet for creativity.
This is so needed yet not many people feel responsible to do something about it. Such a story may save someone from becoming a depressed, poor and overworked mother who doesn’t love her children.