Relationships are wonderful tools for personal transformation, but they usually end when the transformation just starts happening. Here I’m talking about the time when personal hurts and personal brokenness come out, which mark the start of a challenging time for a couple.
We are all imperfect and broken in some way, because life is difficult and none of us are able to get through it alive, let alone scratch-free! So every person has certain hurts and traumas to deal with, and they come out sooner or later in a relationship.
I’ve already mentioned how my dear one helped me to heal through his unconditional love when my last relationship traumas started coming up very early in a relationship. Since my ex-boyfriend cheated on me, I had huge trust issues.
Instead of getting insulted by my distrust, my dear one understood that this was caused by my last relationship and loved me despite of such insecurities. When I was the weakest, he was the strongest, and when I was my angriest, he was the most loving. This healed my lack of trust.
Now, around six months later, his personal brokenness has come out. He thought that this would make me distant, but it made me closer. Since I love him, I naturally provided my presence and support at the difficult time, which stunned him and strengthened our love very much.
Sometimes the other person has to be strong and supportive in a relationship when you are weak, and sometimes it is you who is required to show strength and support. This is how the relationship grows stronger and more stable.
I find that the other person can change and heal not by us trying to teach them how to live, but through our love. If we provide our presence and love, the person will start healing and changing for the better. If we simply criticize, the person will feel defensive.
If we, after the manifestation of some fault, give only our loving non-judgmental presence, that provides a space for reflection, and the person will see his behavior in a more impersonal light. This usually triggers the want to change.
But usually what happens is that such a space for reflection is not given, and only criticisms are served. This naturally robs people of any opportunity to reflect in a less personal environment, and instead the person will simply protect his ego.
When some brokenness manifests, it’s not the time to give criticism. That’s the time to show understanding, love and support. If a person displays some negative quality, do not criticize as they probably heard similar criticisms all their lives; instead, provide a space for reflection. That’s what can start a true change, unless a person is devoid of any intelligence.
Also, if some brokenness manifests, show your support and love even more rather than getting distant which she or he expects. Our society is conditioned to run away from the unpleasant and to get close to the pleasant. If you break this conditioning, you are also healing yourself, because the way you treat others is the way you treat yourself. If you don’t run away from the brokennes of another, you will also be able to deal with your own traumas.
When you don’t run away when your other half shows the most hurt side, they will feel like they’re not alone. They will love you and trust you more for it. Your love will start healing old wounds, and your relationship will flourish.
That’s one of the reasons we have relationships. So that with the help of each other we can heal and grow. And this is triggered not by lectures of how one should behave, but through never-ending support and love for each other.
And I’m not saying to support another when he is evil or doing something bad. As I said, the best way to end this kind of behavior is by giving space for reflection through your non-judgmental presence. But you should definitely show your support when the person shows the side of him that hurts.
Maybe he did not heal from a past relationship, maybe he could not heal as a result of some loss or some disaster in life. When you see that hurting side, show your love and support as this is the best medicine you can give at the time.
Our relationship is growing stronger because of the support and love that we have for each other. We both treasure one another and never take each other for granted. We really try to understand where we both come from and we find that this usually ends any arguments that we have.
And even if we argue, we still feel love for one another, so our arguments are quiet and very logical:) And when we argue, we still profess our love toward one another, and then, after a hug, the fight is over:)
Again, this is because our hearts are tied to one another. Since we became one in Spirit, arguing is like beating one’s own self; so we try to make up as soon as possible as it’s too painful for both of us. We can’t normally function if we are in some disagreement.
It’s not wise to end a relationship when personal imperfections start coming out. That’s the time when real transformation can take place for both partners. Splitting up at such a point will make you miss out on the growth potential that the relationship offers.
Only if real love exists will the couple pull through such a hard time. And if they truly love one another, their love for each other will start healing all past hurts, and then new growth will start taking place.
With him, I’m becoming a better person. He is also healing and changing as a result of my love. How wonderful it would be if love, and not selfish considerations, is number one in all relationships. Then there would be fewer breakups and divorces, and more growth, intelligence, love and compassion.
True love absolutely transforms. If it’s cherished more than the personal ego and current identity, just the simple desire to maintain it will initiate a huge change of outlook and behavior. This will result in the healing of all past traumas and both people in love will be transformed into stronger, wiser, more loving and more compassionate human beings.