1 In 25 People Have No Conscience – What You Should Know About Psychopaths

What you should know about psychopathsSometimes I receive negative comments on my posts or videos. Some comments are made by bitter people whose beliefs are in opposition to mine. Some feel hurt by life and lash out at anyone that comes their way. Although there are better ways to deal with such issues, I understand such reactions.

Some commenters, however, are systematically posting malicious comments. They do so not because their beliefs were crushed or they were hurt by someone, but just for the sake of it. They get excited to know that their comments might stir up some negative emotion, because such people thrive on making others react to them. These people are called psychopaths.

For a long time I was ignorant of such people among us. I  believed that everyone is good in their hearts. However, when I started studying about psychopaths, my eyes were opened to examples from my own life of such people.

Psychopaths existed for ages; some think that they existed from the very start of the humanity. In old cultures such people were killed, as Martha Stout, Ph.D., explains in her book ” Sociopath Next Door”:

Psychiatric anthropologist Jane M. Murphy describe Inuit concept of kunlangeta, which refers to a person whose “mind knows what to do but does not do it.” Murphy writes that in Northwest Alaska, kunlangeta [psychopath] “might be applied to a man who, for example, repeatedly lies and cheats and steals things and does not go hunting, and, when other men are out of the village, takes sexual advantage of many women.” Inuits tacitly assume that kunlangeta is irremediable. And so, according to Murphy, traditional Inuit approach to such a man was to insist that he go hunting, and, in the absence of witnesses, push him off the edge of ice.

Although officially it’s agreed that around 1 in 25 people are psychopaths, Pamela Wayne, M.A., thinks that around 30% of men are psychopaths. I would say she’s more correct, because official research tends to pick most extreme cases of psychopaths whose intelligence is low enough to get caught. Many psychopaths, however, are more intelligent than regular human beings, and it’s almost impossible to catch them. So research is very one-sided.

Quoting from Cassiopaea research:

Cleckley also gives grounds for view that psychopathy is quite common in community at large. He has collected some cases of psychopaths who generally function normally in community as businessmen, doctors, and even psychiatrists. [...]

We would characterize criminal psychopaths as “unsuccessful psychopaths.” The implication, of course, is that many psychopaths may exist in society who cope better than do those who come to the attention of judicial and welfare systems.

There are some female psychopaths too, but the vast majority are men.

How to recognize a psychopath

Psychopaths have no empathy. They don’t feel higher emotions; they only can feel anger, hatred, lust and very basic fear (although that’s disputed also), because their limbic brain is not working properly.

They like to play the pity game because then people feel sorry for them; playing the pity card is one of easiest ways to recognize a psychopath.

They are pathological liars who thrive on drama. They will keep pressing your emotional buttons but will stop when it becomes too much for you as then you might flee from them. They give you some rest, and then start pushing your buttons again.

A psychopath will always try to test your boundaries to check how far he can go.

They can also be recognized by the predatory stare; If you look deep into their eyes, you’ll see nothingness. Their eyes look dead, like you’re staring into a black hole. It’s a very strange experience to go through, because you really can’t see anything when you look into those dead eyes. Some people even named them “dead fish eyes”.

Some women find “the psychopathic stare” seductive. But when they get severely abused by a psychopath and discontinue the relationship, heal a bit, and look through their pictures, they see the same stare with different eyes; the stare looks totally evil and they get scared by what they see and wonder how they never noticed the nothingness and darkness of the stare before. The stare, therefore, is very easy to confuse, especially if you disregard a still voice within.

Psychopaths are often bored, so they constantly need some stimulation, be it sex, drugs, alcohol, danger or emotional dramas.

Psychopaths are everywhere, though they tend to cluster in certain environments, like police (as they like to be in control), drug dealing and communities of drug users (stimulation/danger), banking and stocks (money is power, and power gives more control). If they have lower intelligence, they’ll probably do some managerial work to boss around at least a few people; they’ll probably take credit for others’ work too. They’re also found hunting in places perfect to find imbalanced and lonely individuals, like singles’ bars, airports and beaches.

In Indian beaches you can meet many psychopaths working as waiters, lifeguards and hotel boys. Those guys come from very poor or broken families (like when a mother hangs herself because of the husband’s constant abuse, or a father attempts to kill the family as he’s experiencing financial difficulties). Such children’s emotional development is severed by such intense traumas, and latent psychopathic traits get activated (as father is likely to have been a psychopath, thus passing the gene). That’s one of the theories, though; some researchers have the opinion that psychopaths are born and not made.

Such guys work in these occupations to get victims – wealthy foreign women. Many women fall for them (because most such men are very charming, which is another psychopathic trait) and soon suffer deeply. I heard so many almost identical stories that I finally realized there was a pattern, which I’ll talk about further down.

Psychopaths can’t love, although they can mirror your love, and they’re experts in faking emotions. They will praise the very qualities in you that you’re insecure about, so that you would open up to him and tell all your secrets, and develop a stronger bond.

Later on they’ll start belittling you in private, and then they might do so in public too, depending on what control game they decided to play.

They’ll distance you from the people you care about and who care about you, so that he would isolate you and make you more vulnerable and dependent on him.

Know that not all psychopaths who act like psychopaths are so. In modern society we’re encouraged to develop psychopathic traits such as selfishness, competitiveness, and paying whatever price is required for fame and success.

The single strategy of psychopaths

All psychopaths follow the same strategy, but they accomplish it in different time periods, depending on how quickly they get you hooked. This cycle can last from 1 month to 20 years, or more, or less.

Here’s the strategy they all use:

CHARM –> USE –> DISCARD

The “Charm” phase

When you meet him and start dating him you’ll perceive him as very different from others. He will have that “something” you wouldn’t be able to put a finger on. You will call him “special” and probably “the one”.

You’ve never had such a person in your life. You feel he’s a walking miracle. At this stage you’re the happiest person in the world.

He says all the right words, you’re spending all your time together. He’s totally into you; he may call you his “soul-mate”, he will say the word “we” a lot, he will plan your future together – marriage and kids. He may say things like “we’re really like one person” or “we are so similar”.

He gets you addicted to his love. He constantly embraces you, touches you and engages you in frequent sex. You get drawn into the sea of high emotions and the world looks magical – but Only to you.

The “Use” phase

When you get hooked into the game by falling head over heels for him, he will start his Use phase. He may start withdrawing his attention and will give you just enough love to keep you hooked, but not more.

He never stops lying – he lies about serious matters and insignificant matters. He probably lied to you on the very first day of your meeting, but gave you good reasons why he lied when you caught him.

He gets angry if you question his whereabouts or what he was up to and he accuses you of not trusting him. He starts punishing you for not behaving well, for not looking good or for any other reason. He expects you to be perfect whilst he continues not accounting for his disappearances and constant lies.

By this time he’s probably using your finances, requires almost all your time, whether it’s because of your obsession about his secret whereabouts or because you’re lost in dramatic arguments.

His exes start emerging out of nowhere, and he subtly makes you jealous of his girl-friends, and other women. You start feeling insecure and emotionally imbalanced. You no longer recognize yourself – you never were like that, playing detective to try to figure out his real history and life, because deep inside you know something’s not right.

You might have caught him having more than one facebook account, and when you confront him he gets either very angry, or unemotionally gives you a good excuse. He may even give you all his passwords to “prove his innocence”, whilst getting busy creating new social accounts.

If you get further involved in this cat and mouse game, you’ll use your time, youth, energy, money and trust in humanity.

The “Discard” phase

When a psychopath extracts all he wanted from you and has you on his plate, he will coldly discard you and will move on to another victim. Another victim will be easy to get, because everyone likes him and he has many admirers.

If a psychopath was in a relationship with you for your beauty, he will leave you when the old age takes it away.

If he dated/married you for money, he’ll leave when he extracts all of it.

If he was in a relationship with you for sex, he may use you for a long time and discard you when some shinier/prettier “object” comes along. He will of course have more than one (could be many) affair during your relationship.

Psychopaths date women whom they perceive as emotionally imbalanced or having something valuable, be it inner goodness, beauty, money, and the like. When they rob women off those valuable things, they feel satisfied not because they got/used those things, but for the pain/shock/emotional trauma they caused in women for taking those resources. They feed on this emotional drama that they cause in women – the more, the better. When all is left from a woman is a dry shell, they move on to something juicier.

In the second part of this topic I’ll explain how to protect yourself, and if psychopaths can be healed. I’ll also explain my personal take on psychopaths. Read it here.

If you had a relationship or encounter with a psychopath, let us all know by sharing your experience in comments.

Comments

  1. I wonder where you are coming from that mostly it is us men who you consider psychopaths. …However, I do recognize many personal traits, and when I compare myself to my loving wife I would tend to agree — we are often the bad guys and have the most transformation needed. Interesting that I do classes in prisons and I find a great zeal with many of the men there for meditation — men who with the socialized male ego power thing in the world never would have manifested the interest — men who “out there” maybe killed and raped even. But take away everything and they turn within and you can see the change.

    • Lawrence, read books on psychopaths like Bob Hare or the Sociopath Next door or Psychopath Free (or probably any book) to find actual research showing there are more men psychopaths than women.

    • PreciousJoy says:

      A psychopathic personality is highly adaptable. They adapt, they do not change their core personality. As one told me “I know how to play nicey, nice to get what I want”. How do you think they caught their victims? The persona they invent while in prison is designed to have the same effect. Good behavior = cushy prison job, favors (be careful), or early release. Religious conversion is uncommon among prison inmates.

  2. Susantha says:

    I like if you can post a article on narcissistic personality. Many couples are affected by them.
    Thank you
    Susantha

    • Susantha, I’m not that familiar with this disorder. If I find the need to research it and encounter more people as such, I’ll surely share my knowledge.

  3. Thank you for this article.

  4. simona, would you say that arsonist are psychopatic as well. Because a lot of them after they fire up a place or a thing, they are the first ones who call the ermergency service and they stand back and rejoice the fire as if its a work of art, and they love the commotion that comes with it,
    My second question, could you say that a child that abuses his/her pet or animals in general at an early age is likely going to become a psycho when he or she grow up ?

    • That’s a very psychopathic behavior. It’s similar to The Sociopath Next Door author mentioning a guy who would rob a small post office and then enjoy the show of police coming and people fussing about. The reason they like such shows is because they feel that they made the people jump, as the mentioned book author would word it.

      To answer your second question, according to the same book’s author, that’s a psychopathic sign. But I’m not sure if it always indicates this disorder, because some children may simply learn this behavior from others – children are great copycats. If a child derives pleasure from killing animals, however, that child is very likely to be a psychopath.

  5. Hi Simona,
    youre right and i wish i read this post sooner. I used to crave. for affection and i met this boy who was extremely nice and friendly and he fulfilled my need to be loved and appreciated. Everybody loved him. Little did i know that he walked around saying bad things about me. He isolated me so in depended just on him. He took advantage of me and started attacking me emotionally. Making me feel bad about myself and not good enough. Finally he has made all the people who knew us see me as a bad person and i have lost many friends. However i take it as a lesson i needed to learn in this life. I wanted to ask you something. I have been through so many negative experiences that it has numbed the positive emotions i feel. Does it mean i have psychopatic tendencies?

  6. Check out the movie american psycho

  7. Hello Simona,

    I have not experience one personally but I have witness my former boss at work. When she first met him she discribed him as “Perfect” she was so happy and on cloud 9. I was happy for her. When she introduce me to him durning one of his flower to her drop off. On an energetic level I got this really dreadful vib about him. I did not mention it to her because she was so happy. Then slowly he started taking things from her, he did not wanted her to drive to work so he would pick her up and drop her off. She deleted her Facebook page because he did not want her associating with anyone he was in full controll of her entire life. Then she changed jobs and wanted to become a police officer, while doing her defensive training her eyes were open to the type of relationship she was living. She told her friend that she was going to break up with him and that was the last time anyone seen her. She has been missing from Indian Rocks beach Florida for 3 years now. Her name is Kelly Rothwell. I miss her so much. As for the jerk he is held as a suspect but is not talking. She was a very beautiful lovely lady.

  8. Simona I’ve looked into my mother’s eyes and I know that she’s a psychopath and I can almost tell from her voice too. She’ll justify me being barred from doing things by stating “you used to….” or “you’d never…” “only crazy people do that…”, et cetera. I’m afraid of doing many things because of her (and although my father isn’t a psychopath he feels the same way as her) such as becoming vegetarian (actually at this point vegan or maybe even raw vegan), getting rid of things that I don’t care about, and living a minimalistic life. Though them thinking my mentor is a cult leader is part of it as I previously mentioned. I’d probably be afraid to move out if I had the money because of her (though I think my father would be fine with it). Do you have any suggestions, Simona?

    -Thanks, Max

  9. sanjok karki says:

    Thank you alot for your post, Simona Rich.

  10. Dear Simona-

    Thank you for this article. It really speaks to me. My husband fits so much of your description. It’s alarming actually.

    I have thought of him as having personality disorders and have been searching for understanding. I was under the belief that people are inherently good and don’t come here meaning to harm…that circumstances and choices made, bring imbalance. So my thinking has been, imbalance should be something that can be restored. And my search for working answers has gone on.

    My thinking has been that there must be ways to restore a person back to their original well-being. How do you view this?

    Thank you in advance,
    Penny

  11. Good morning Simona!

    First, as I read this, it reminded me of one of your earlier post: http://simonarich.com/dealing-with-negative-people This was interesting when I first read it and I can see how your thoughts have progressed over the years and it is impressive to see many of the same descriptions between the two articles, but how you view and respond now is different, in a good way.

    Second, I worry about one of my sons. He used to be very loving and affectionate until one of his grandfathers passed when my son was about 6 years old. For more than an entire year he would not let anyone get close to him. We couldn’t hug him or anything, without him pushing us away. He always knew how to push his brothers and sisters’ buttons, and has become extremely charming. My wife and I are concerned, but reassured when we here from his teachers and other parents how well behaved he is. (He is not well behaved at home with family.) We love him very much and wish the best for him. It sounds like you have more to write and I look forward to any pieces of information that may help us develop him and add empathy back to his personality.

    Thanks for sharing this information!
    Terry

    • Thank you for this useful comparison, and it’s good you see a positive change! Thank you for sharing your story, Terry; I hope that’s it’s just an emotional block that he will overcome.

  12. Simona,
    It saddens me that you are spreading disinformation about this topic. First, it is not “officially agreed” that 1 in 25 people is a psychopath. The estimate is actually 1%. That’s 1 in 100 people. But, as you know, and did not put into this article, there is no clinical diagnostic criteria for psychopathy in any country. It is actually a set of symptoms within other personality disorders described in the different diagnostic manuals of Europe and the U.S. Second, Stating that 30% of men are psychopaths is irresponsible. You have no evidence that this is true, other than a quote from a single book that lacks responsible peer review in the area of psychology. You spread this statistic from a self help book by someone who does not even hold a Doctoral degree!
    Third,you state that there may be a few female psychopaths out there, but the vast majority are men. You provide no evidence or statistics to back up this statement. Furthermore if, as you said in the article, that the majority of psychopaths that we have statistics on are the lower intelligence ones, then how do we know how many female psychopaths there are? What if the females are not caught very often at all, hiding behind the caring/nurturing woman’s archetype that most people view women as being? Psychopaths are very good at acting, are they not?
    Simona, I am deeply disappointed that a woman like you has chosen to use her platform to spread disinformation and fuel a growing hatred for men. All of the men I know are completely confused at the constant anger and contempt that we are assaulted with on a daily basis. We are called rapists, abusers, liars, cheats, and misogynists. I was raised to respect women, as were my friends. We had fathers who respected our mothers. We protected out little sisters, and sometimes big sisters. You have no right to characterize us that way. You have only added to the problems that men and women are experiencing as the traditional roles for men and women are giving way to a new society. I thought someone like you would have more of an attitude of love, than a person who fuels hatred with bad science. You should be ashamed.

    • Pls google statistics about male to female psychopath ratio; evidence is all over the internet, research papers and probably in all books about psychopaths such as Bob Hare’s books.

      About my platform… the reason I built it in the first place is to spread awareness about issues like this one:) The rest of your comment is negatively charged and of an accusing and imbalanced nature, so I’m not interested in answering such attacks.

    • 30% is a pretty big percentage to quote without scientific studies (evidence). It seems to me that any person who feels this is an accurate figure, is probably doing a very good job at surrounding themselves with a specific type of man.

      • No need to believe in scientific facts or figures or books if you don’t want to. Just be aware, because ignorance is what gets us hurt.

  13. Hi SImona,
    Thank you for writing such an interesting article. It is a little disturbing to me as I am thinking of someone a male friend who I have known for years and years. I feel he has some of the traits but I do not know how severe they are. I have lived with him many years ago thought I left that situation because he was very dominating to live with (most of the time in subtle ways) but then he started over reacting over the smallest incidents and made me question his behaviour. We spent many years not talking but he made contact with me (years ago) and we redeveloped our friendship. There is a part of me that does not trust him, but how do I know if that is because my own father was Psychotic and Severely Narcissistic. So I wonder if I am paranoid because I myself have been wounded in my past by my own father.
    Am I projecting that on my friend?
    I do feel my friend has some narc/psychotic traits and I am still trying to work out about the empathy issue. Recently I told him of how my father hit me repeatedly as a child and all he said was “that’s interesting”. That struck me as very odd, either he was not fully listening, distracted or he has very little to no empathy. I am still trying to work this out, I do keep him at a distance, we rarely see each other but we do talk on the phone fairly regularly. How can I know for sure?

    • It’s very usual for psychopaths to return to their exes. They keep tabs on all their relationships, and may turn at your doorstep after years of absence.

      That’s usually what happens – we doubt our own intuition, and that’s where we trip. Listen to the inner voice, Star, it’s telling truth!

      Again, about his reaction to your father’s abuse. That’s a very psychopathic trait – they find it “interesting” when human beings are very disturbed by something, or when something cruel is happening. MRI scans on psychopaths proved it.

      Also, pay attention to his reaction so someone’s death. For example, if a psychopath’s friend dies, they might pretend to be sorry, but then they’ll laugh at something after several minutes or do something else totally incongruent with the situation. Watch out for these, and since he found it interesting that your father treated you this way, I’m pretty sure he’s a psychopath.

      • Thank you for replying Simona. Also he works in a very boring and repetitive job yet he has a very high level of intelligence. I read somewhere that this is another trait of a socialized psychopath. He has had problems with people over things most people would find innocuous. I have wondered how he handles working in a job that is so dull and repetitive when he is so smart. I once asked him and he said he doesn’t really think about it. Again odd, for someone who is advanced intellectually. Would love to hear your thoughts on this aspect of it?

        • That reminds me of a guy I used to know who told me that he just didn’t get it how people would get all emotional about where they’re placed in life. He said even though he would go to jail (and he was in jail once), he wouldn’t get all emotional about it because it’s stupid. He said if there was nothing he could do, he would just make most of what he had. Smart, but that can point to either a psychopathic disorder or to the fact that the person totally mastered emotions through meditation and other balancing practices. In his case, he was a psychopath.

  14. Simona, also I recall earlier blogs by the late and great Stuart Wilde, and whilst most people were respectful and genuine to learn and be inspired, he always got attacked by certain ‘people’, these are the dark attacking the light, as they do not want the people becoming free and loving. Hang in there and don’t stop.

    • Thank you, that’s so lovely of you, Steve. I know some people try to put a stop to enlightenment of the world, but some who do so are good people – they’re just confused as they’ve absorbed “positive” teachings with covered up agendas. I read quite a few of Stuart Wilde’s books; I always appreciated him for being able to show his flaws and all, instead of a polished perfect self help guru image.

      • Yes some ‘spiritual’ people pretending to be light can actually still have deep shadows that are still intact. All the very best

        • Yes, I mean it’s ok for them to have some negativities as long as they’re working on them, but then they shouldn’t pretend they’re perfect. That’s very annoying because it makes it harder for others to believe in themselves, since they see this incorruptible perfect human being and think such a state is hard to achieve.

  15. Wow. This was a powerful post for me as I feel I too, have dated a female version of this. My question is, is it possible for someone to exhibit some (vs all) of these characteristics and still be considered a psychopath? 95% of the traits listed here are just, spot on. There are a few things that weren’t present or some that weren’t as severe (but still present). Thank you for this insight.

    • Yes, B, of course. They’re still different people, with their own characters, but the agenda is the same.

      • Simona,
        You are not qualified to be giving advice in this area. You are dealing with a rather complex set of psychiatric symptoms, and are bordering on giving medical advice. This is illegal here in the US, and I believe that it is in the UK as well.

        • Arrest me:))) Making people know about this for me is more important than silly rules of the psychopathic system. BTW I have a disclaimer about being not a doctor:))

  16. Aldo Sant says:

    Hello Simona,
    I was stunned when I read this, I was with a female psychopath about a year and a half ago. Messed up thing is shes a psychologist and works as a counselor. If I posted what she did and still does it would take up this whole page so I’ll just say that I couldn’t believe how evil this person can be once she gets what she wants from you. I spent over a year with her and it was a constant game of getting what she wants and if I called her out on it I would end up feeling like I was the one to blame. We all get played eventually if we date enough people but this one was different. SHe would trade her own family for what she wants if given the opportunity. One thing though, is their motivation more aimed towards feeling power or more of an irrational impulse to screw people over? What I do want to say is thank you because I am very much interested in another woman and knowing that the other one was a psychopath makes me feel more relaxed as I know what the red flags are, do not wish to go through it again. Take care and thanks again, Simona.

    • Thank you for sharing, Aldo. Yes, unfortunately some psychopaths become psychologists, and I encountered a psychopathic counselor myself. Lucky you just lost a year in such a relationship; many people aren’t so in luck.

      To answer your question, I think it’s to do with energy. When they make you emotional, they enjoy the energy outburst from you – that’s what makes them feel alive. If they don’t get this energy in the form of emotional dramas or attention on them, they feel like they don’t exist, and they want to avoid this nothingness feeling at all costs.

  17. What if you love one and do not want to be without them? What if you are happy to give and let them take? What if you believe they love you as much as they could love anything or anyone besides themselves? What if that person is your best friend in the whole world and you love them whether they are a psychopath or not?

    What if a psychopath is reading this article, how would they “take” it? How would they feel when they recognized themselves as psychopaths if they didn’t already know? Would they say, “Omg, this is so me, I am one of these, I need help, I want to fix it,” or would they just laugh or scorn. Or would they use the information in the article for their benefit somehow?

    Thank you Simona, for an informative and thought-provoking post!

    Eva

    • Psychopaths can’t love, so if you’re with someone who loves you, that’s not a psychopath, Eva. Psychopaths know who they are, and they think that the world owes them, so they don’t see anything wrong with what they do. They don’t want to fix themselves because they don’t think there’s anything wrong with who they are. Since they already know the information in the post, they aren’t likely to benefit from it much. However, when they’re sent to psychologists, they absorb psychologists’ words and become more intelligent about human nature.

  18. Hi Simona! Thanks for sharing this. Upon reading this I reflected back on my life and saw where perhaps I may have acted psycopathic….sometimes this world and what you learn from it growing up will confuse your state of being. My grandmother displayed psychopathic behavior all her life, to her the control she had over my family, particularly from my mother was uncanny. She also had an unhidden love for money. There are so many things I can relate about my grandma but I’ll spare the reader, but yes I’m certain she is one. She is 90+ years old at this point and suffering from dementia, she’s forgotten almost everything, her sense of time, people, basic hygiene, but for some reason she still remembers my name! It’s really bizarre, when she was a little healthier and I would stay here in the house with her, I never wanted to get up, I felt drained. Maybe psychologically speaking she was draining my energy, I don’t know. I had a boyfriend who coincidentally was born on the same day as her, he was really nice and perfectly lovable at the beginning, but VERY soon became emotionally abusive, passive aggressive, to downright controlling of who my friends were by telling me he didn’t like them. There were many signs but I think I was used to suffering so I stayed on and off for 4 years. Which is really odd because despite being a man I relate to wild Artemis so I should have left much sooner, now I’m trying to pick the pieces back together. I feel like now through your blog, many readings, and life I’ve become more aware of people’s energy and have created a shield through education and imagination, because although many people aren’t psychopathic they are emotionally wounded or exhibit some traits through social conditioning. I have learned that because those around me have exhibited more than a few traits I don’t trust them fully with my dreams, which might sound dishonest, but I have learned through your blog and life for certain that discussing such things with the wrong people can hinder you on your path, this is just one example I’ve developed for protection. Thank you for listening.

    • “…because although many people aren’t psychopathic they are emotionally wounded or exhibit some traits through social conditioning.” Exactly.

      My grandmother was very controlling too, but that’s because she was deeply emotionally wounded as she was an orphan “acquired” for serving a family as a maid.

      I’m glad my work is helping you! Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Marvin.

  19. ashley nass says:

    Hi Simona. Wow. This is all so true about psychopaths, and I am surprised how you have explained a lot of behavior that a lot of us probably witness in relationships with certain people, which can be hard to understand, and it isn’t fun to deal in this kind of relationship with someone.
    I had a relationship with a man that was exactly how you are describing. and it’s a big sign when you look into someone’s eyes and see this emptiness. it hurts to see someone like this, and to have a relationship with someone who is like this. You are right how this person has had stunting in their emotional development, and they will not change their behavior.
    I can tell you have witnessed it a lot, and it is so much of the same behavior for psychopaths. Even just meeting some people act “charming”-they have one thing on their mind and it is for themselves. It is true it happens more often for men, maybe because women try to be empathetic and nurturing.
    you are right, it has something to do with a person thinking from the reptilian, animal part of their brain. The old part of our brain, and there is a part of it that is separate from the part of our brain that uses critical thinking, caring, ethical understanding and thoughtfulness. The less developed someone’s frontal cortex is, I think, the more they think like psychopaths or predatory like behavior. It is hard for these people to think of long term things-they live in the moment usually, and trying to get this and that, or evoke other people’s feelings and/or .take advantage of their caring for them.
    I’ll tell you the story of my relationship with Robbie. When I met him, I had friends in college that said I shouldn’t talk to him, and a person said she knew him once and I should stay away from him. I didn’t listen. He was so charming, friendly, energetic, thoughtful, and unique. He told me he loved me and made me feel special(eventually I saw how he was able to make others feel that way, too)
    . We spent all of our time together and it seemed like we had the same values, but things got difficult.
    -If I had money he would want me to spend it or use it
    -While we had in-depth conversations, he was almost talking to hear himself, it was more of a one-sided relationship
    -I soon realized why I found it exciting to spend time with him-he was manic (bipolar disorder) and since I was depressed, I was drawn to him. I think sometimes someone with depression and someone with bipolar disorder are attracted to each other for that reason
    -we lived with his dad, who explained how his son has a mental disorder, and felt all he can do is try to be there for him. but when the illness got bad, it was the saddest thing to see. Heartbreaking. and I remember seeing this look in his eyes once in a while, that scared me so much that I was afraid of him. It is a completely different side of the person, and it’s when you see this side of the person, that you realize you need to get out of the relationship. .That is typical bipolar disorder.It turns into paranioa, fear, threats, and addictions for the person. You can’t help someone when they become this way.
    That psychopaths can’t love, is another big sign. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is, They are stuck and won’t let go of negative feelings. I am dealing with this at the moment, too, witnessing a family member with an addiction and it is emotionally taxing.
    Thank you for this article!

    • Yes, Ashley, they operate very much from the reptilian brain, but some have well-developed frontal cortexes inactive in only certain areas, like the third eye area. So they can very intelligently think in certain ways, but they’re unable to use thinking to plan long-term, for example. Also, their limbic brains are mostly inactive, even when they’re presented with images that other people would find frightening or heart-warming.

      • ashley nass says:

        That;s interesting. Maybe it has to do with not having a strong attachment to their parents or good reltionships when they are young. So they don’t develop the emotional part of their brain. if the limbic system has to do with memory, and that is tied to emotions, that makes sense.

    • Hey there!
      Bipolar disorder has alternating episodes of mania (extremely happy and euphoric) and depression (extreme sadness and hopelessness). It is not just mania.
      Also, bipolar disorder died not turn into addictions. Addictions are formed when the person suffering from the disorder attempts to self medicate.
      Finally, bipolar disorder is a mood disorder, not a personality disorder. Psychopathy is part of the clinical diagnosis of personality disorders. Most bipolars feel too much empathy, not too little.

      • ashley nass says:

        I think you’re right, that being bipolar is not like being a psychopath. If a person is caring they are not going to show antisocial behavior. It’s just how unfortunate that there are many ways a person becomes unstable. Im glad I haven’t met anyone that truly is, not that I know of.

  20. Hi Simona
    Thank you Simona for this post. It seems I have been sorounded by kunlangetas most of my life. They must never know what you are up to. They become easily defeated if you ignore them or if you don’t take their ideas seriously because they feel you have identified what they need and they’ll criticise your idea. They are harmfull as they always abuse their power and always repeat the same mistakes knowing you will fix up the mess. I am not sure if I am one of the kunlangetas. I can be destructive but feel sorry for myself afterwards knowing I’ll fix it. This is due to alcohol and sex whereby you have enough but you still want more.

    • Thanks for sharing, Chabe. Psychopaths know they are psychopaths. They know they’re very different from other humans. They see humans as someone to use, as objects, rather than soulful beings. And yes, it’s good to ignore them because they want to get reaction from you so that they can feed on that energy.

  21. Hello Simona!

    Thanks again for another very interesting post.

    Mind you, there is a small book which I can’t find anymore that talks about manipulation, saying mainly that there are three levels:
    – innocent manipulation (eat your soup if you want to grow up),
    – second level is manipulation patterns that will be reverted if the doer is confronted,
    – third level is called, in french, “manipula-tueur”. It’s a small play on word derived from “manipulateur” where the “-tueur” means killer. Basically they are people who will be completely aware of the harm they do and will not stop. And when confronted, particularly in public, they will either hold grudge, be violent or leave to do what they were doing somewhere else. If you don’t get rid of them, then the only advised alternative is to run. Far away.

    So it does indeed relate to what you are describing. And in any case it is indeed a form a psychotic behavior. Mind you my mother used to be like that before she grew old and realized there were maybe other things more interesting to deal with, or less exhausting.
    I do believe that it is a very strong form of hubris, where pride gets to a point of erasing empathy. Looking for the definition, I found this on wikipedia: Hubris (…) in religious terms means extreme pride or self-confidence that leads to offense spoken or done towards the God(s), usually harshly punished after. This religious meaning is often transferred to denote overall highly unacceptable, arrogant and insulting behaviour that confronts ethical norms in a way that reminds one of the act described in Ancient Tragedies (like Oedipus).
    Hubris is usually perceived as a characteristic of an individual rather than a group, although the group the offender belongs to may suffer consequences from the wrongful act. Hubris often indicates a loss of contact with reality and an overestimation of one’s own competence, accomplishments or capabilities, especially when the person exhibiting it is in a position of power.

    Now I realize that my sister is like that. A medium had told me that she was of an uncommon selfishness – read hubris here. And she manifests all of these for sure. And because her manipulation did not work completely with us she is now running to another circle where she can justify her victim theory, although she’s the one making the other suffer.

    Buddhist say that, in the now, we only take actions and decision because we think it will get us closer to happiness. I do share that opinion, and it brings a lot of peace, because somehow you understand that it’s self centered, not personal, and part of the “demons we have to fight”.

    That being said, how does it happen? It is a biological imbalance that can be transmitted (apparently modern medicine tends to believe that the mother to daughter link is very prevalent), or is it a natural sensitivity that leads to more pollution from the energy spheres/surrounding souls? Or are these incarnated souls only from the lower two levels and are indeed working they way towards illumination, just like all of us? Or are they just like the rest and in need to fight the overpowering intellect and self ego, but they fail?

    That’s a lot of questions, but I kind of understand the Inuit approach. Maybe we’ll get the answers in this life.

    • Hi Fred, thank you for sharing your knowledge. There are psychopaths that were so from childhood, and there are those who display psychopathic traits because of the conditioning of modern times. Because the modern world operates in a very psychopathic way (banks, land-grabbing from the poor, huge corporations which don’t care about the well-being of human beings), some people just feel they should have psychopathic traits of competitiveness, aggressiveness and so on to succeed in this world.

      My theory of why psychopaths are so will be described in the Thursday’s post.

  22. Not all humans are in same wavelength. Each get exited and adament on specific matters. Thats not nature yet they believe so. We can just stay away from those and remain undisturbed and unaltered..

  23. I didn’t consider him ( my ex) as a psycopath until i saw this post. Now I realized that part of the excitement for these kind of men is the part where they wore us women out. When I broke up with him, as you said, I felt like a shell.. i had to see a phsyciatrist for 1 full year to regain my sense of self. And As you said, he toyed my emotion, being unstable, pushed me around emotionally, being passive aggressive basically. I thought at that time that he just unstable from the past marriage trauma, but i guess it’s just him. thank you for sharing this post. Now i know how to even be more careful.

  24. 20 years of it…

  25. Khataza says:

    Hi Simona ,Hope you are doing great.
    I read your previous post about the psychopath subject and I found very useful, because like this post of today got me learning a lot about human behavior that I would consider “normal” as common, but not as being a mental disorder, because in fact there are many camouflaged in our society. Also, this post got me thinking that I might be in a relationship with a psychopath at first because at first the characteristics you mentioned on the first 2 phases follows the course of our relationship until today (4 years now), but on the 3rd phase I released a breathe of relieve because, after many fights, that actually brought up because I was kind of getting detached from him and driving myself away, I found my way back to live our relationship, because he is the best friend I have ever since.. I’m not wealthy (yet), I not EXTREMELLY beautiful, or have any sort of think that he would want to take from me and finally discard.. and I hope I am not wrong about that… and like you said.. This modern society encourages us to develop psychopathic traits, selfishness, greed, lust and so on.. When we least expect we are out of personal control.. and we all are victims, if it wasn’t for self-help books, self-improvement blogs like yours…I don’t know what and where I would be right now…I can’t wait for your next post about psychopaths. Stay cool and peaceful..:*

    • Thank you, Khataza, and keep your eyes open.

    • Patricia says:

      I was fooled for 32 years. Knew the lies and the cheating etc God alone helped me get out and be who I am today. Like the Bible study calls it the Jezebel spirit. If you search the wed for the Jezebel spirit you will find it very useful as well.
      Unfortunately when you are brought up with good morls its hard to believe that these people exist. Thank you for further eleboratating this subject it is huge in this universe and wish more people will read this. Keep it up Simona you are an inspiration.

  26. Hi Simona,
    I have found you a month ago. And i was really happy at the enormous spiritual knowledge you possess and the spreading of light you have undertaken. And I kept wondering whether you have known the phenomenon of psychopathy. The knowledge of which will make so many things in this world clear outside of you and within you. You will start to understand deception and manipulation in its myriad forms. by which you will be able to choose and steer clear of harmful phenomena- thoughts, energies and people and relationships. Psychopathy strikes so randomly, in your friends circle, in your very own family whom you have known for decades, in your workplace, etc,. that finally you will realize that your people is defined only by who loves truth, but not by arbitrary nouns like family, brother, wife, children countrymen, etc, I found out by the sheer horrifying experience of interacting with a psychopath and finding my way to the truth. No amount of learning will prepare you for the direct experience of dealing with a psychopath, Though they are all around you, its just that you didn’t get burned because they are doing their degrees of evil somewhere else until now. But they really are all around you, And the defining thing about them is they don’t feel a thing called the Shallow Affect. But we still don’t know why they “choose” to do evil every single time. It’s a mystery. People who have known psychopaths say that a psychopath’s inner existence is misery. And that they know no joys of human life, All things are objectified, like the chair, car, mom, wife, children all are objects with no difference whatsoever.

    • Thank you for your comment, Karuna. That’s so true – when you’re eyes opened, you see them everywhere. And it’s such a blessing to be informed, because then you can avoid possible huge hurts. Thus this post.

  27. Hi Simona, Thanks again for another great post :) It’s awesome. I don’t know why, but all your posts come on the exact time when I most need them. We all are surrounded in our everyday lives with emotional vampires, but that we were surrounded also with psychopaths: I couldn’t believe that. (I have seen many characteristics above applied in a previous relationship) I was dating an indian guy in online site and everything looked just perfect, so the phase 1 was just a ” dream ” :) . After 6 months dating, when I was unsure about his fidelity, he just went away, without any reason. It has been 2 months since then and I am happy now that I trusted my intuition. We got to keep 1 eye open for these type of people.
    All the best and keep up the good work, Ellie ;-)

  28. Really interesting, Simona, as usual!

    I am fortunate that my significant is not like that, but I would love to hear what a relationship with a colleague or a ‘friend’ would look like in this CHARM USE DISCARD framework… I can certainly recognise certain of the traits you talk about in one of the girls I went to school with – odd, isn’t it? We were only 6 to 10 years old back then and her personality and emotional tricks still makes me cringe! It’s interesting that looking back I can see some of the things you talk about in her, yet this happened when she was so young, that it feels wrong that someone could be corrupt at that early age.

    Interesting what you say about the predator stare. I wonder what that looks like exactly. You are right, it’s so important to distance ourselves from harmful people, I believe that’s the best antidote against psychopaths, to not let them be around you and diverge from them. Maybe you will have other helpful tips, but that is the way I believe most helpful, but maybe it’s a rather ‘passive’ way of defending ourselves.

    When you mention Indian men, I thought I’d ask for your opinion. We travelled with my work mates to Kerala and Tamil Nadu. whilst in Tamil Nadu, at the start of our trip, we stopped in Mamallapuram. There, we went out for a walk and a drink, and a young Indian guy approached us and started talking to us in English. As such, we were delighted as we wanted to get to know the locals. He showed us his home, talked to us (mainly to the girls), and went with us for a drink. He told us what a nice place for a drink was, and we spoke about India. At one point, he mentioned that some guys who passed us in motorcycles were ‘not to trust’. Then, he asked about our journey and where we were going. He kept insisting to join our group and act as our guide, to what we told him that we already organised the trip and had guides. He walked us back to our hotel and we said goodbye to him at the gate, a bit sorry as we felt he was really nice and friendly. However, I noticed the gate keeper of the hotel making eye contact with him, as to sign to him to ‘leave now’ (it was late and dark back then), I saw fear in his eyes to be signaled to leave by the guard, and then he left with no further insisting or even saying a proper goodbye. It’s as if he fleed when instructed to do so. I thought you may have some ideas as to what may have happened there as you lived in South India. We thought it was most strange, and were left wondering if he was genuinely just being friendly or whether he wanted something from us.

    • Char, thank you for your lovely comment. Psychopaths can be noticed from a very young age. As children they’re much more independent than their peers, and they commit crimes before their teens. Usually parents give up on them because they try numerous things and nothing works.

      As with your experience in South India, that’s classic. There are so many guys like this and most foreign girls fall into their traps because of the lack of knowledge. When he said about the other guys that “they’re not to be trusted”, it’s a typical psychopathic projection of their own selves to others. A very usual thing to hear in South India.

      I’m exploring some families of South India these days, and it’s interesting that some trace their ancestry directly to snakes; I think they call themselves “nayars” or something like that. There are many families spread all over Kerala as such. I believe it might have some connection to the reptilian way of thinking of these people, but it’s still the research phase – I’m not quite sure yet. And like any good Indian girl would say, I have the same advice for you: If some guy randomly approaches to talk to you in India, Especially if he knows English, walk away and don’t look back!!

      • Psychopaths can be noticed from a very young age. As children they’re much more independent than their peers, and they commit crimes before their teens. Usually parents give up on them because they try numerous things and nothing works. –

        Not true, Simona. Unless you’re very well versed in psychopathy, you cannot definitively tell whether a child is psychopath in all cases. In some cases, yes very obvious. But not in all. Some children excel in school and be called a model student and may not be doing harm when young. But even when they are not doing any harm, they still have no emotion or feeling in their lives. which creates a set of circumstances- that is so unimaginable for a normal human- that they may or may not end up causing deliberate harm.

        • Thank you for this correction, Karuna. Yes, you said it more correctly. Not all psychopaths will display obvious psychopathic traits. The smarter ones don’t, and harm the lives of other people in a way it’s hard to notice for outsiders. But parents usually feel something’s not right with a child, since they have to be with their children every day.

          • In majority of the case unless you are a parent very well versed in psychopathy, you may not identify your child as a psychopath. Most parents will think their child is a little shy or quieter than other kids or more energetic than other kids etc,. There is completely nothing outward in their behavior that will identify a child or a teen as psychopathic in a lot of such cases.
            In four of the cases I have known, the youngsters topped their schools and colleges and have distinguishing careers and well respected for their discipline and efficiency. I know two of them doing evil outside of the circle of their everyday lives, and I do not have clear insight into the other two’s activities. These other two may not even have any secret life and may be leading a regular life. But consider this. If you are a feeling, loving partner who wants to share your feelings and appreciation of a movie, rain or such tender moments there is no possibility of such a connection. because the psychopath is incapable of feelings and emotions And you spend your life in an empty relationship because nothing is wrong in an obvious way. This kind of relationships are every bit as toxic as the very obvious screaming, lying, drama filled toxic relationships.

          • Your last three sentences are spot on. As for the parents not being able to understand what’s wrong… they usually feel something’s wrong, but they can’t put a finger on it; the same as people who get into the relationships with psychopaths. That’s not only my observation. Psychologists such as the author of the Sociopath Next Door noticed that too.

      • Srinagesh says:

        Dear Simona,

        I can sincerely understand and empathize with the feelings and responses – in particular – of foreigners who visit India and who have unfortunately had first hand experiences as explained above, but also home bred local Indians who have faced such uncomfortable situations. Though a mention of South India and of male species as a case in point reference seems to have been made in this blog columns, dont you think this malaise is world over and in all geographical corners of our Earth and a scourge to be dealt with and countered with by best known means as available or at disposal by the effected person/s.Being a disease in its own right and affecting young and old, men or women – as a layman am curious to know, can a psychopath ever redeem oneself or is it a play of karma, or is it the Devil trying to get his due through such people or is it a social malaise that has developed over period of time or a combination of all. Appreciate your thoughts please. Thanks.

        • Surely, Srinagesh, psychopaths are found everywhere, but since I have experience in South India, I tend to talk about it. As I’m staying in London now, I know that many of them can be found in areas like banking, stock trading and the like. Again, as I explained to previous commenters, my thoughts on why psychopaths exist will be described in the post to come.

          • The men you meet cruising the beaches looking for a quick romance are most of the time psychopathic(mild to severe)- Anywhere in the world, without exception. If you want a good partner, you have to study along with them or work along with them or know them from living in the same neighborhood for years. Sophistication of interaction in a culture may seriously mask the existence of psychopathy in a society. I work in media, a supposedly creative field, yet there is psychopathy all around me. The following statistic( a compilation of my coworkers) may not mean anything but proves the fact that there are no stereotypes when it comes to psychopathy, and that we should be vigilant of every person we meet. The statistic is – When I made a list of definite psychopaths in my office, whom I have known for around 7 years, the percentage of psychopathy in the English men is far higher than other ethnic groups This may mean nothing and may be an isolated statistic of only my office. But what it definitely means is that there are no stereotypes types that education and cultural sophistication reduce the incidence of psychopathy. They only mask it much better.

          • I agree with this, Karuna. Where I lived in South India many Western women married Indian men who were psychopaths, but because they didn’t know about their culture, they thought that pathological lying and cheating are the features of the culture, instead of psychopathic features. And yes, in London I met many English men and women as such, and they thrive in soulless jobs. But then again in my country, Lithuania, I had definite encounters with such people too. They’re really everywhere, they just operate through different societal structures.

  29. I think most of politicans and governement people are psychopats.

    • They are for sure, Emma. If you really look at the structure of the modern world, it’s psychopathic. That’s why people feel like their souls are being sucked out of them, especially through 9-5 jobs and certain friendships. I’ll write more about it on Thursday.

      • Hi Simona,

        Re : “If you really look at the structure of the modern world, it’s psychopathic. That’s why people feel like their souls are being sucked out of them”

        I actually believe that whatever we don’t use or don’t develop simply dies. I.e. whatever isn’t growing is dying, in order to redirect the energy to whatever is in fact growing.

        Due to whatever reasons, many of us don’t practice empathy. Either we never learnt it, or we’ve simply just become numb.

        I also believe that negative behaviour towards others is a ‘cry for help’ though. In the case of Psychopaths, it is perhaps the emotional energy that they crave but don’t know how to create themselves. And with that being said, I further believe that little is truly dead beyond resurrection.

        Now for me it means that I don’t necessarily have to guard myself against psychopaths by staying away, but rather by being responsible for my own emotions. By responding, rather than reacting.

        Ultimately no one can ‘make me’ feel anything that I don’t in fact allow. Sure they can inflict pain or illicit joy. Nonetheless whatever meaning I assign to it and whether I react or respond, that is ultimately always my choice.

        I guess the issue I take with consciously avoiding psychopaths, is the danger of being non-empathetic myself. Excusing my own fears behind the justification that ‘they can’t feel anyway, so there’s no reason to feel for them’. But if I’m truly honest with myself, that contradicts my values of love and everyone being a manifestation of God/Source/Universe.

        Frankly I only find Psychopaths in my reality when I’m feeling a little psychopathic myself. E.g., a lack of empathy for my perceived enemy.

        • Yes, Daniel, of course we’re all one, but that doesn’t mean you should go to the wilderness to face a hungry tiger:) Instincts are instincts, and if human beings are seen as prey to psychopaths, it’s wiser to stay away. Keep your thoughts focused on God, but watch the road lest you stumble.

        • Very well said Daniel !!!!
          Sending love your way Simona. Hope you can find a home soon (read you are moving).
          When we get hurt and don’t deal with it the right way, it tends to close up our heart little by little, which leads to lack of empathy (speaking from personal experience). Meditation has helped me re-open it.
          I had rich cousins who had affairs with rikshawalas. Maybe they got something that their rich parents couldn’t give them. There is always give and take in a relationship, whether it is something tangible or not. Sometimes we fall prey to our own hormones/needs and would like to push the blame on someone else when it is time to face the consequences. Ultimately “Happiness is a choice”.