My Childhood Trauma and a Message to Parents

Trauma is usually described as a deeply disturbing experience.

What can be seen by adults as a small ‘misbehavior’, can cause a real trauma in a child.

Children, being vulnerable and at the mercy of their guardians, are poorly equipped to handle dysfunctional situations.

That’s especially true for those situations that involve their own parents, godly creatures, as seen by a child, who are supposed to make a child feel safe and loved.

What can be a small domestic fight can be seen as a huge threat to a child’s safety. Up to the age of seven a child’s astral body is forming (source: this book), so any disturbing experience by that age can leave the child mentally crippled for all her life, unless she awakens and consciously deals with it.

My childhood trauma

As a deeply sensitive child, I experienced my share of traumas. Verbal fights of my parents, although they used to take place behind the closed kitchen doors, were deeply disturbing to me, because they were destroying, bit by bit, my feeling of security and harmony at home.

My father was a real mental terrorist, especially when he was drunk. He delighted in destroying our confidence and feeling of safety (my brother’s and mine). He loved to affirm his power over the family, and always repeated how indispensable he was.

As a child, I hated him deeply, there was so much anger inside me, which, because I didn’t want to appear weak, and didn’t want to be struck by my father, I stored inside.

My father was such a psychic vampire that you could literally feel how he delighted in absorbing the energies of all in whom he caused negative emotions. I was affected most, because I was the most sensitive and introverted member of the family.

What helped me as a child (and thanks God I did it) was writing poetry. I loved writing poetry, and through poetry I expressed many of my suppressed emotions. I used to even cry after revealing in words what I felt within. I also used to paint, but painting would make me even more depressed, so I stopped it.

I also wrote a diary, every day, and both poetry, and a diary, kept me sane, although I was far from being okay.

My mother, on the other hand, loved us dearly. Having been raised by an orphan mother, she really outgrew the tendency to treat children the way she was treated. No person is perfect, however, and although she dealt with the previous challenge well, she failed in another one.

My mother loved to exaggerate things. A lot. Children, however, are unable to tell fact from fiction, so we, my brother and I, took everything she said literally.

She loved telling, every single day, that we may not have enough money to buy food the day after. She also loved reminding how hard it is for her to keep up with mortgage repayments, and that we may end up on the street. My biggest fear, therefore, in childhood, was to end up as a street child, and I had reoccurring dreams of losing shoes for a long, long time. I consider “shoes” in the dream to be a symbol of security and comfort.

My mother loved talking about how bad her health was getting – she even almost fainted in front of us. She told us once that she wanted to commit a suicide because her life was so bad, but didn’t, because of us. That’s hardly what children want to hear from their only guardian who loved and cared for them.

Every time my mother would talk to me like this, so much fear would seep into me. This, of course, manifested as nervous imbalances, as I mentioned in past posts. I sometimes would start consciously breathing and then would stop and had to grasp for air, and would go into total fright for this, and my mother would have to give me medicines to calm me down.

As a response to traumas inflicted by my mother, I started thinking of ways to survive, and caring for my mother as much as a child can, so that she would not die. As I said before, children accept all the parents say as facts, so I was dreading her death. I thought it’s coming soon, and I did all I could to extend her life to the ability of a child, like cooking for her, cleaning, making her feel okay.

I was very much concerned about my mother not returning home from work. Especially when it was winter in Lithuania and sometimes steep stone stairs without any handrails would be covered with ice. I would create all kinds of horror stories in my mind about what might happen to her, like that she would slip and fall, and hit her head on steep stairs.

When the time was approaching of her usual coming home, I would stay glued to the window looking at the direction where she was to appear. I felt anxious and fearful every time waiting this way, and it was such a relief to see her green jacket appearing from afar.

I only overcame this excessive worry when I physically moved away from her, after finishing my school. I left to the UK, and my life became so much lighter not having the influence of my parents.

A message to parents

Most parents really shouldn’t be parents. They are raising a nation of low self-esteem because of not-dealt-with traumas that manifest in different ways, like complete withdrawal from the society, alcoholism, cruelty, or selfishness. Only a few manage to wake up and work on themselves to remove traumas caused by their guardians.

Most people haven’t developed themselves to the extent to bring up another being. Those who think they are developed for sure usually are least so.

If only potential parents would work out ALL their OWN childhood traumas before having children, a more healthy society would definitely result. And if they, from this already healthy and balanced state, would start improving themselves, a full-of-love, progressive, and compassionate society would result.

Just because your biological clock is ticking, and just because your mother wants to have grandchildren, doesn’t mean you should have a child. Just because a society expects you to have a partner, a cozy home and one or two children to live the “normal life”, doesn’t mean you should follow the crowd and do it.

Most children, when they receive their traumas, grow up bent in a horrific way mentally, unable to recover till their deaths. They suffer all their lives, feeling incomplete, and not knowing that it’s because of their not-dealt-with childhood traumas.

Instead of bringing forth a being and then crippling it mentally, let’s firstly heal ourselves completely, and only then think of creating another life.

For those who are already parents, work on yourself now, so that your children witness harmonious and positive states of you, and grow up feeling secure and loved. Overall state of consciousness (which is low now) must grow, if parents would start working on themselves.

Last words

Most people end up treating their own children the way they were treated, due to the lack of self-observation and self improvement. This, therefore, creates a vicious cycle, where abused children become abusive parents.

To break that cycle, we must deal with our traumas. When we remove them we automatically become loving and compassionate beings, and this affects not only our children, but all the people around us.

A world that’s more loving and beautiful is possible for sure, if even a small group of people, like the readers reading this post, start dealing with blocks within, and, having uncovered their beautiful Authentic Selves, shine this light on others to inspire them to do the same.

Comments

  1. i am a first timer on your website; you have some good information on hand, i too was traumatized
    by a child molester who was a neighbor and friend of my father, i was 6 years old when it happen. I never told my mother till I was 36 years old and she apologized for not being there with tears strolling down her face. She told me that it was best that my father not know about it, so to this day my father knows nothing of the incident that happened so long long ago.

    Now, I have a 19 year daughter and so very over protective of her. What can I do to slowly let go of her?

  2. Hello Simona Rich, You are absolutely right. I have severe childhood trauma. My parents were divorce when i was born. I haven’t seen my father since i was a little girl. My childhood life was incomplete and violence. My mother punish me and my older brother very often because she has a lot of emotional problems. She punished us until 16. Me and my brother often lived with our uncle. I remember vividly the day my uncle hit us with a big stick to our heads. At that time i was only 7 and my brother was 10. I was almost faint and my brother head was bleeding. It was very was a strong man force. After that incident i suffered from severe migraine for many years. I had sever migraine very often. It was so sad. My father is nepalese and my mother is burmese. My mother and father are remarried again when i was 13. However my parents are always fighting. I was not happy at home. Now i live on my own and supporting my parents from away. Sometime i want to tell my parents about my feeling, however i can’t tell them when i talk to them and always store my feeling in my heart. I always end up with listening their feeling and needs. I try to forgive them and try to understand about the reality of human life. I really enjoy reading your posts. Thank you so much for your posts.

  3. vijaykumar pillai says:

    Thts awesome simona ..i actually cry after reading ur post ..its like ur telling my story ..ur doing a fantastic job ..may god bless you ..

  4. Hi Simona! I really enjoy following your blog! I also had an abusive, traumatic childhood. It was done in the name of God and religion, so I thought God was OK with abuse. It took a huge toll on me mentally, emotionally and physically. But, as a result, I awakened. I’m not sure I would have awakened without all that trauma and the need to look below the surface for answers. But at the same time, I feel like we don’t need trauma in order to wake up. There are other ways to wake up. I agree that most people aren’t fit to be parents. Eventually, I foresee so many people awakening in the future that there won’t be that “need” (if there even is one) for trauma in order to awaken. These awakened parents will simply allow their children be what they already are: awake. I think that children are born awake anyway, it is just society that lulls them to sleep. When more of the universe is awake, the children coming in can just naturally unfold as already awakened beings.

  5. Hi Simona, I discovered your blog when searching for kundalini symptoms. Thanks for the summary in your previous post. I like what you wrote here, we share the same views. I was thinking to myself though, maybe the younger generation needs to feel negativity and trauma in order to wake up consciously? What if you and I were raised in a loving way, would be still fully have realized our worth, power, ability and choise to love and consiousness the way we do now? Food for thought, I’m curious what you think!

    • You’re the second commenter writing about it, Astrid. We would take all those things more for granted for sure, but the healthiest way, of course, is to grow up without traumas. What those people who grow up with traumas and resolve them can better do, however, is to help those still with unresolved traumas.

  6. simona it’s like you are narrating part of my life’s experience with my mum.thanks very much

  7. Hi Simona,
    I share the same view as you regarding resolving the issues and traumas of parents so that they won’t pass on the same to their children. I myself, realized this from my parents who raised us the way they were raised. Call it unawarenes but I believe each one of us must be responsible on our own self and constantly try to eliminate what’s dark in us. Unaware parents affect their children the most. I know to myself that if ever I decide to become a parent, I will try my best to be consciously loving and supportive to my children.

  8. Reman Bala says:

    Your childhood reflects my childhood sister…I know that pain

    • Thank you, Reman; if the situation is still painful for you, you must deal with it; it’s unresolved.

      • Reman Bala says:

        I did as you said and now I everything is fine. No more emotions overload :) I trained myself to see good in everything. Every single people that I met in my life were a blessing to me. Though some of them hurt me badly but it was not their fault because it was a part of my story. Thank you very much sister! You gave your valuable time to read my message on facebook and showed me the path. You were like an angel, God bless you sister and give you all the happiness!

  9. HI Simona,
    I share a similar history but I have been comforted by Jesus and the Gospels.
    I came across a beautiful saying that might assist someone..”.Earth has no pain that Heaven cannot heal”.
    A saying of mine is …”Let go, Let God”.
    Surrendering the pain (and memories) to Jesus, with confidence
    and gratitude, will bring beautiful inner peace.

  10. Such a wonderful post Simona and as a mother not a day goes past when I am not grateful and thank God (the power/source/universe) whatever you wish to call it for waking me up to life.

    Since my ‘awakening’ 4 years ago I have become a different mother. A “Conscious” mother and I am bringing my boys up with love and nothing else.

    The world needs more conscious mothers, more parents who are not unconscious, go with the crowd, type people. Mothers like you Simona. It would be a blessing to this world for you to bring up a child. Do you have any desire to? (If you don’t mind me asking)

    • Thanks for this comment, Nicole. If more mothers became like you we would have a beautiful world. Although I feel how special each child is, and they are gifts to the world, I never had the urge to have one. Maybe it’s not the time yet, maybe this need will never come. Time will show.

  11. Congratulations for having been able to redirect the power of the shadow into helping other people heal and grow! In fact, before we start our life, although hard to accept and understand, our soul chooses all the circumstances of our life: country, parents, family, as being the best/most adequate for what the soul needs to experience to learn its lessons and evolve. By learning these lessons we become wiser and willing to share what we learnt with other people. I wonder: if we hadn’t such hard times in our childhood, we would still be so compassionate and wishing to help others or just living our life without any care for other’s traumas and problems? So we shouldn’t have a negative perspective, as the shadow is a part of our growing. However, if we notice people around us who seem unable to cope and grow without being helped, we must give a hand. As we are all interconnected, the trauma of my neighbor should be seen as my own trauma that needs treatment. And the best treatment is love.

    • Fully agree with you, Anca. Each person incarnates according to his karma. I love your take on that – that’s true, if we manage to break out of negative conditioning, we are more empowered to help others do the same, because we know what they’re going through. About helping others… we can only help when they’re are ready to change, and are ready to accept help.

      Many people resist love and acceptance. It’s so interesting to see. When you fully accept a human being and they shrink from that, because they don’t accept themselves.

  12. Hi Simona, I am sorry that you have traumas from your childhood that carried over into your adult life. But I wonder how would we feel the need to grow if we did not have any inner problems to solve? I read your blog often and find your perspective and advice very interesting and positive. After reading this post though I was left wondering if your pain towards your mother has been directed at all mothers, including yourself as a potential mother. Your opinion that no one should be a parent if they are not already healed would sadly leave not too many people to become parents! It is an animals natural drive to reproduce, which I think is the reason so many of us go on to have children even when we are not perfect within. I hope your lack of desire to have a child is not because you have an energy block in that area due to your pain from your childhood experiences. I think, that even if you are not yet completely healed, you would make a lovely mother and your child would be happy to be with you. Thats what I think from the impression I get from your blog/posts/videos etc. I wish you all the best and much love on your journey. x

    • Thanks for such nice words, Amii. I still have emotions around some of my traumas, but they are light, and I can speak about them freely. I take time to heal, there’s no rush; I will be completely healed when this natural process finishes.

      You mentioned me having pain; it might be projection of your own hurts; Pain is a deep emotion, showing early or completely not healed wounds. It’s the understanding that many parents are dysfunctional that arises in me the urge to share this. Some of my best friends are mothers, and there’s no resistance or negative feeling I feel towards a woman just because she’s a mother.

      • Yes, I agree, my choice of the word ‘pain’ says more about me then you. I apologise for projecting that. :)

        • No problem, I’m glad I made it known; now you can deal with that, Amii. It’s nice you’re acknowledging that, the majority of people in this situation would surely go into denial.

  13. Hi Simona,
    Thank you for sharing your traumas and how to decode them truly. This is what i am doing currently – decoding my childhood trauma one by one. i am also sensitive and introvert person like you. My childhood almost destroy my life. With the divine grace – i woke up and changing within a day by day. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum was possessive person – me and brother gone thru like what you mention, until the the whole family broken into pieces. Because of this,I had a lot of anger in me kept inside like a time bomb, until one day it exploded like a using a C4 explosive – everything shattered in pieces. I was lucky enough to go thru this process with help of God Ganesha – he is guide me to seek answers for my prayers – one of it is thru your post that is true.

    • Thank you for sharing, Logen. That’s what happens when we store everything inside – a final explosion. Ganesha is the god that a few of my friends find helpful with that too, interestingly.

  14. Also, I find that the more we are healing from these traumas, the more we are able to speak about it. There’s less and less emotional charge left, until it disappears completely, and your trauma is healed.

  15. Hi Simona, if it is not so privite could you share some of your poetry… Thanks alot…

    • It was in Lithuanian, Nilgun, and before moving out, to cut the bonds with my past, I burnt all my diaries and poetry. Maybe a few, and some paintings, still remain somewhere in the wardrobe of my flat in Lithuania. Maybe when I go there next time I’ll have a look:)

  16. Alexander says:

    Thanks for this great article, which I believe took a lot of courage to write. I’d say I experienced something similar. My mother was a typical emotional vampire, who made me feel guilty of my own existence and fed on my negative energy she created herself in the first place by putting down me and my father, and my dad was too immature and submissive to my mother to become a real father figure and a man of authority to me. I also had to go away to another city to get physically detached from my parents in order to be able to finally forgive them and let go of the past, which nevertheless also took years after my departure. You are totally right about the fact that many people have kids just for the sake of it without thinking through the consequences and this is a horrific crime in my point of view. Even now my parents, although I forgave them and don’t hold any grudge against them, are the last people I would turn to for any kind of advise or wisdom. This is disappointing, since I believe what a child really seeks in his parents, is a sense of security and wisdom, not just money and food. If a person has not yet found his own purpose in life how could he possibly be a good parent? The answer is obvious – he can’t. Yet I don’t blame my parents now for anything, after all what can you ever expect of an emotionally crippled, delusional and confused baby boomer generation? In this regard we are even more lucky than them, we had a chance to wake up, while they’re still wandering in the darkness fervently denying truth lingering just in front of them. These people deserve compassion, but they will hardly ever achieve respect. And without respect of their children they will never be able to embrace parenthood in its complete sense, which is their curse and punishment and pain they have to live with. This topic is surely a very disturbing one and causes a lot of sadness. That is why I took a decision that I don’t want to have children of my own and I’d prefer my bloodline to end on me. If I ever feel wise enough to be a good parent, I’d rather adopt one of those abandoned kids, who are all too many these days in our world going down the drain.

    • Thank you for opening up, Alexander. It must be hard to have such a father figure, as boys need father’s support and guidance most. I, too, never seek advice and wisdom from my parents, as it would be fear-based and very much in the box (versus out of the box) although well-intended. I, too, never felt the need to have children and I don’t feel mature enough for that anyway. Maybe things will change – three years ago I could have never imagined what would I become now.

      • Alexander,

        thanks alot sharing your story too… I appreciate your courage and to reading those make me feel that I am not the only one faced difficult childhood…

  17. I also grew up with hatred towards my father, who was abusive and aggressive man. He used to terrorize my mom physically and that left a scar on me and my brother mentally. I remember him throwing beer bottles at my mom, choking or beating her up. One day when he hit my mom, I pulled a meat tenderizer from a drawer and was ready to use it on him. I had so much hate, I was ready to kill him. Luckily when he saw me, he stopped…
    Although I forgave him, I can’t talk to him anymore. He made me feel very insecure about myself and it took a long time to heal. Writing a diary and music helped me tremendously. Later in life I discovered the book “You can heal your life” from Louise Hay and was able to transform my life. I did what I always wanted to do – moved very far from my parents and started my own family where there’s no abuse or violence.

    • Thank you for your story from your heart – I felt it, Katarina. I also forgave my father, but would not like to talk to him, as toxic people should be left alone until they really wish to change. However you approach them, they will search for a way to inflict pain on you. Physical distance is the way to go, and it heals well.

  18. Hi Simona,
    Great job! Congrats for the courage!

  19. So many of us can relate to your story and so many people hide these childhood traumas, and as a result years later they repeat the history on their own children. Its so true that not everyone is fit to be a parent but so many unfit are. I’ve been reading you for some time now and reading this felt like having something in common and i want to thank you for sharing your story because it gives comfort to know that we are not alone. There is always a reason why we do things the way we do and the reason why some people search for something.

    • You are right, Marina. In a public speakers’ meeting I attended, one girl disclosed her severe illness and broken dreams, and the evaluator told that it was unnecessary to disclose that much. That shows he’s not ready to deal with his own stuff, hides it, and projects this insecurity to others injecting even more pain to them. So many people do it, that’s why most are not able to start healing.

      I knew this story would resonate with and comfort many – that’s why I chose to share it publicly. We are not alone in what we experienced; if we would only talk about it and help each other, healing could take place so quickly.

  20. Dear Simona
    Much respect to you, knowing where you were and where you are now. May love and courage continue guiding you, I’m proud of you Love!!

  21. Luckily I am one of the few that has awoken. Ive been healing for four years now and it has gotten so much better, but it has been tough. I do want to have a child, but I will not if I do not heal to an acceptable point. Ego has to be shattered in order to break and heal. To many walls up for most people to get through. Very nice article, hopefully it reaches the right people.

  22. How true this article is, Simona. I also had a similiar experience with parents exaggerating the truth and often this made me an anxious and fearful person. Thankfully I’m getting better as the days go by. On the subject of the pressures of having children, often I’ve seen older female relatives being told of the loneliness they feel in old age, and having no one to take care of you. Of course, as everyone is learning, have learned, or will learn, that it all starts within. Going off topic, but have you read the book, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley? It’s about a dystopian society and I find the themes and ideas often relate to some of your articles dealing with happiness and individuality vs the collective. It’s quite a grave warning to society and albeit, rather disturbing, but it certainly gave me a lot to reflect about.

  23. Your story is almost identical to mine except writing and painting both make me feel worse. However, I have been in therapy for years, which, has helped me to have some unspderstanding of how and why which has seemed to give me some resolution. It’s a slow process. And has affected me my whole life moving back home as an adult seemed to have retramautized me and I am slowly pulling myself back out of it again do you have any suggested reading for this?

    • Many painters are depressed, Andrea, it’s a subject that must be explored deeper. Usually all it takes to start healing is removing the irritant – can you distance yourself from your parents? Any inspirational book works, because it’s about becoming empowered to make changes that matters. I love Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, Though Vibration by William Walker Atkinson, many people found “Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway” by Susan Jeffers extremely helpful.

  24. Elizabeth says:

    I so agree with all of this. I had the experience at age 7 of having my rag doll thrown in the fire by my father, who didn’t like my sister and me playing with our dolls. I found out a little later that his own parents took away his teddy bears at a young age because they thought he was too old to be playing with them. I don’t think he was even aware of all the grief he felt. But I grew up seeing him as cruel and mean.

    • Thank you for sharing, Elizabeth! I had a friend who, every time he would not wash dishes perfectly, was beaten by parents. Now he mentally tortures his own children for not washing dishes perfectly.